pick it all up (and start again)
by colorshow
Summary: "Every time Lydia Martin thinks she's becoming a better person she fucks it up." (in which after 3B Lydia deals with her grief in the only way she knows how, to have control, and the nogitsune leaves it's affects on Stiles)


**a/n:** this is my second (published) stydia fic, it should be about five parts and it does have manipulative!lydia, and darkish!stydia. It really deals with a fallout I could have imagined after 3b and Allison's death. let me know what you think!

i'm at tumblr at **augusturs** if you ever want to leave me prompts or chat!

**warnings:** underage sex, cheating, and slight allison/lydia.

Every time Lydia Martin thinks she's becoming a better person she fucks it up.

* * *

_You've got a warm heart,_  
_you've got a beautiful brain._  
_But it's disintegrating,_  
_from all the medicine._

-medicine by daughter

* * *

There's countless examples she could use, but perhaps the best one could perhaps be this moment. Despite his girlfriend (or mate or whatever) being just outside she is giving Stiles a blowjob in an empty storage room at the animal hospital.

"Lyds, I'm going to cum." Stiles groans breathless. Lydia raises an eyebrow continuing to suck his dick. For once she's doing the sucking for her benefit, not hers.

It's not long before his cum is down her throat and she releases him from her mouth. "That was really hot." He murmurs pulling her up for a kiss.

"Promise I'm the only one the matters." She mock teases, he knows she's serious. Stiles smiles she won't let him kiss her until he says it. "There could never be anyone else." He promises, her lips curl into a snarl. "Really?" it barely sounds human, he doesn't even feel ashamed it makes his dick go hard.

"She's just part of our game." He whispers, pressing kisses to her neck, light enough they won't leave marks. "I need to hear it." Lydia says sternly "Just to let you know you owe me for this. I want you to leave me tugging on your hair so hard when I scream your name you almost cum right there and then."

Stiles nods obediently as she leaves the closet.

It wasn't supposed to start like this. Lydia thought that as soon as she finally confronted her feelings for Stiles she'd fall slowly, resisting the urge to kick and scream that it was too good to last because he was so good for her, despite her denying him after all this time.

That wasn't how it happened (fate is funny that way).

* * *

Allison, her best friend, the person who had always been there for her throughout all the shit they'd been through was dead. She was beautiful, and brilliant. Some days she remembers and other days she struggles to remember the simplest things like the way she used to always tuck her hair behind her ears when she was nervous. But she never forgets for long because it was Allison and she _can't_ forget her.

They'd kissed once, when Allison had slept over after her and Scott had been through their (final) breakup.

"Did it hurt this much when Jackson- when he was a dick and I don't know how to put your relationship into words I'm sorry." Allison had laughed, Lydia had watched the column of her throat, the graceful curve.

Lydia shook her head, adjusting her head on the pillow to look Allison in the eye "You could put your relationship into words that would make poets faint. Teenagers would imagine they were you and could only have the ability to find so passionate of a love if your life was a novel. Believe me I'm sure this hurts much worst."

"Don't undermine your relationship it's okay that it meant something."

"I wouldn't have fucked as many boys as I did if it didn't I know that." Lydia looks at Allison's wide eyes "You've always been here for me, maybe I can comfort you." She shuffles forward and Allison's pupils widen when Lydia presses a kiss to her neck "I've never kissed a girl Allison. It'll be just kisses, for comfort."

Allison murmurs a _yes_ and Lydia presses her lips to hers and it isn't fire but it's beautiful and comforting and everything they both need. Although she secretly wants to discover all the ways Scott knows to make Allison cum she doesn't. She just wants her friend.

Their tongues wind together and they stay like that the whole night with gentle, innocent touches that will always stay that way.

"I love you" Lydia whispers to the ceiling because it's here and now and she wants so bad for the pain to go away. She wishes she said those words more when Allison was here, made of atoms and not memories that Lydia knows she will one day forget no matter how much she wants them to stay.

She'd been the one to call Jackson and tell her that she was dead. He didn't try to hide his crying and he'd mumbled in tears that he had f_ucking missed her funeral._

Issac had left town, _it wasn't the same_, that's what he had said. Derek was off to visit Cora, while Scott and Stiles were preoccupied with teaching Malia about, well, being partially human.

They'd left her behind.

She needs control. It's a craving that starts deep inside of her.

Is this how madness starts?

* * *

She calls Stiles and he invites her to watch a movie with him while his dad is out, "We should talk" he says in a way that makes her nervous "and I feel really bad we have left you alone it was stupid of us" that makes her excited, he still knows her thoughts after all.

So here they are, their legs barely touching as they lie on the living room floor their backs propped against the couch with a bowl of popcorn between them watching some movie she doesn't even care about.

"How's Malia?" Lydia asks, it comes out like a hiss.

Stiles laughs, "I don't know, we're weird, both of us. I mean also together, it doesn't mesh all the time but sometimes it just fits." Lydia knows what he means, it makes her think of Jackson.

The words spill out of her before she can stop them "I miss Allison a lot. It's not her dying that haunts me it's her smile; it's so full of life, even now. I know Scott loved her but I loved her _too"_ she's crying but she can't stop now. "But you left me, even Kira stops by and we eat pizza and she lets me tell her stories about Allison and listens even if it bores her or I cry into her shirt because it really fucking hurts. You don't come around Stiles. I _need_ you."

Now he's crying and she crawls into his lap. "I'm so sorry Lyds. I won't leave you alone anymore. I'm sorry I didn't know how to be around you and it was really shitty of me to leave you. After the funeral, well it's just really messed up that we can't be normal. I swear I'm the only human left it Beacon Hills." He holds her and presses kisses to her hair while they both cry until they have no tears left to fall.

Stiles sighs, "I need to tell you something. The nogitsune it's like it made its mark on me. I don't know I don't feel good anymore. Like a good guy, I feel like if I help fix Malia it'll fix me. But all I can think about is not- how do I say this? -playing games, hurting others. All that fox did was screw people over and now even though he's gone he's still giving me hell."

"It's okay Stiles, I'll help you."

That's when the idea comes. He wants to play games and so does she, and if Malia is a pawn at least she's not dead like Allison.

"You could fix me." Lydia offers, biting her lip watching Stiles eyes glow in a way that's not quite so innocent as it once was. But it feels so right sitting in his lap right now. She'll indulge him and he'll indulge her. "Are you still a virgin Stiles?" she asks as her hand wanders to his thigh.

He doesn't stutter when he says yes.

"Good, because we should work on that" Lydia murmurs, his pupils widen like all her conquests have before, but this one means so much. Stilesmeans something to her, she's done denying it. She presses her lips to his and it's gentle but filled with need. "Malia" Stiles murmurs while he continues to kiss her. "Forget about her, you hear me. You're mine." Sbe demands, he nods his eyes glinting.

Stiles Stilinski loses his virginity on his living room floor.

After he's fallen asleep she leaves. She can't stay. If she stays the game is over and that would be a shame when it's barely started.

* * *

Going back to school had been hard at first, the sympathetic glances the whispers. But like everything it fades. Allison had once been the new kid and once you're a new kid you're always a new kid. If you don't make a name you aren't memorable.

The click of her heels announces her arrival to her classmates; it feels much lonelier without Allison beside her. When she opens her locker a piece of paper falls onto her stack of books.

_Meet me at the lacrosse field at 8, I'll bring strawberry ice cream._

Damn him and her love of strawberry ice cream.

Lydia barely hears Kira come up behind her "What's that?" she asks. Although Lydia likes Kira she has a tendency to be somewhat nosy, if not only because she feels out of the loop most of the time with the rest of the pack. "Nothing, some guy gave me his phone number but I don't really feel like a hook up right now." Lydia says breezily, Kira blushes, mention boys and suddenly she'll pull the blushing virgin act (even if it's not an act).

She can feel his eyes on her from across the hallway even as Malia walks beside him, desperately questioning him about the quiz in econ chewing on a highlighter. It almost makes Lydia feel bad.

Malia really isn't bad, but why couldn't be emotionally attached to someone else?

"Malia, just read pages two hundred eighty five to ninety three it will probably get you at least a B on the quiz if your glance over it a few times." Lydia calls, causing Malia to smile genuinely in return.

Stiles smiles at her, but it's a lot like the smile he gave her last night when they slept together. She wants to feel sick but she doesn't; even though she cheated with someone she set aside for a long time and hurt a member of their pack because she needs to play games to feel whole.

* * *

Stiles doesn't only bring strawberry ice cream; there's a bottle of vodka in his left hand. It's her favorite type of hard liquor (which he knows).

They sit there passing the bottle back and forth until the world starts to spin. "Malia she doesn't get us, the pack, our past. I need you Lyds." He says swaying as he spins her in his arms and she laughs and it feels so, so, so good to laugh.

"I need you." She says looking at his dick.

Stiles shakes his head he's standing behind her his breath on her neck "I'm going to make you feel so good that you have to bite your fist to keep your screams from waking up all of Beacon Hills."

He slips his hand into her skirt until his fingers are there "You're so wet Lydia. So perfect." He murmurs making her moan as he kisses her neck.

Stiles makes good on his promise.

* * *

Scott turns a boy; he's only a freshman (an attractive one who is particularly excellent at lacrosse) which she knows it goes his entire code of ethics. Of course cheating does too, and as close as him and Stiles are it shouldn't surprise her that he finds out.

"I can't believe you're sleeping together." Scott says breaking the silence one day while she's driving him home while his motorcycle is at the shop.

"And who do you think I'm sleeping with exactly?" Lydia quips in response.

"You know" he growls, Lydia rolls her eyes "Just say it." Scott grumbles "If I don't say it maybe it's not true, that you're sleeping with Stiles, which is sort of kind of fucked up!"

"Get out of the car." She shrieks out of anger. "Lyds what the fuck-" Scott retorts, Lydia nearly sneers "You don't get it. I don't get it and I don't understand alright but I will do whatever the fuck I want thank you very much. Even if it means making very fucked up decisions. I'm done, I just want it to go away Scott and I don't know how to make it." By now she's yelling because who is she anymore? "I want to be happy but I'm not and I want to be and I-I- it's twisted but I feel full."

"-with his dick."

"Shut up."

"Lydia, we're still here, still real, and actions have consequences and you're taking advantage of Stiles still not being okay either." Scott declares his eyes hard.

"Maybe I'm not the good person I thought I was, and maybe one day I'll try to be again but right now I need to be alone so get out alright?" Lydia affirms refusing to look at him.

After he leaves she doesn't even feel like part of the pack anymore. She decides to go for a drive, screw homework, she knows those answers, but not the ones she needs.

As usually she ends up somewhere she doesn't even know and that's how she finds the dead body. A scream tears from her mouth before she can stop it because it's Peter fucking Hale.


End file.
